


A Future Without You

by hopeduckling13



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: 5x21, Captain Swan - Freeform, F/M, Last Rites, True Love, white swan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 12:19:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10100444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopeduckling13/pseuds/hopeduckling13
Summary: Emma's thoughts after she had to leave Killian in the underworld.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Once Day! ❤

Emma's POV

I'm currently sitting on my bed in my parent's apartment and  I'm thinking of Killian. That's actually all I've done ever since Hades is gone. It's peaceful in Storybrooke at the moment, so I finally get a day off.

But I wish there was another crisis. Then I wouldn't be able to think so much. I wouldn't be able to be upset about Killian. I wouldn't have time for it.

Grieving was never my strongest suit. I'm not good at it. I feel useless while I'm doing it and find more and more reasons to feel guilty. It's my fault, that Killian isn't here with me right now. I failed. I'm the Savior, but I still couldn't find a way to save my true love.

The thought of that makes me wanna throw something against the wall, so I grab a vase of flowers and throw it. I won't need them. My mom gave them to me so that I could lie them on Killian's grave. , but I never did. I never even went there. Not even after or before Robin's funeral, when I was already at the graveyard.

I couldn't bring myself to go there because then it would feel like he's really gone, which he is, but I'm still in denial.

As I see the vase shatter, I feel some kind of relief. I wouldn't need the flowers. Even if I visited him, I wouldn't give them to him. He isn't...wasn't a flower person.

Suddenly I hear a light knock on my door. 

Seconds later Mary Margaret enters my room and smiles lightly at me. She approaches me and sits down next to me, taking my hand and squeezing it softly.

"What's up? Is there a new crisis or something? Am I needed at the Sheriff's station?" I ask her. My voice sounds different than usual and my throat hurts while speaking, which is probably because I haven't said a word for a few weeks now.

"No. Don't worry. Everything is still peaceful in Storybrooke." I look at her with a confused expression on my face. If everything is fine, then why is she here? In the beginning, my parents constantly visited me, but when I never spoke to them they decided to give me time. Is that time over now?

"I came here to talk to you. You know you can't hide up here forever. You need to join civilization again at some point."

I know that, but I wish it wasn't that way. I'd rather be alone. I'm not over Killian yet and I don't think, that I'll ever be. Being around everyone would only remind me more of him. I'd miss him even more if that's even possible and I don't think, that I can take that. Not yet. Not ever.

  
"Henry misses you a lot. He's also upset about what happened, you know."

I know that myself. Henry also used to visit me, but I also couldn't speak to him. I tried, but it didn't work. Now he doesn't come here anymore and it's probably for the best. I don't want him to have to see me like this. 

Then Mary Margaret takes out something from the pockets of her jeans. As soon as I can identify it, I gasp. How did she find this? I shouldn't have thrown it away in this house. I should have destroyed it with my magic. She wasnÄt supposed to know. Not yet anyway.

I haven't even thought all this through. I can't speak about it. Not so short after losing my one true love.

"I found this is the trash. It's a pregnancy test and it's positive. It isn't mine, so it has to be yours."

I can't look her in the eyes. Tears are in my eyes, threatening to fall down my cheeks at any second. Until now I've pretended, that the test didn't exist, but now that my mom said it out loud, it feels real. Too real.

I've never wanted this. Not without Killian.

I don't want the test to be real. I don't want the baby. It would be a reminder of Killian and the future we can never have.

Now I can't stop the tears from falling. Not anymore. 

As soon as Mary Margaret realizes that I'm crying, she apologizes and pulls me into her arms, hugging me like her life depended on protecting me.

She strokes my hair like dad does whenever he hugs me and I put my head on her shoulder like that day on the lake when I was forced to kill my true love. My pirate. My Killian.

The reminder of that day brings, even more, tears to my eyes.

After what felt like forever the crying stops and I pull away from my mom's embrace.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cry, but I just couldn't hold it back any longer." I say, wiping the rest of the tears from my cheeks. 

I avoid my mom's gaze but she takes mt chin and uses it to lift up my face. She looks at me with pity written all over her face.

"Don't apologize, sweetie. You've been through a lot. You're allowed to be vulnerable. I think Killian wouldn't want you to put your walls back up." No. He wouldn't. He told me to not put my armor back on even though I lost him. I promised him, but it's harder said than done. I didn't think it would be this hard. But now that Killian isn't here to remind me why I don't need my walls, it is hard. He isn't here anymore to keep me sane.

"He said the same thing."

She smiles at me. 

"But it's hard, mom. I don't know how to do it without him."

"But please don't close up your heart again. You can find love again."

"No. I can't. It wouldn't be the same. No one could ever replace him." Tears are forming in my eyes again. "There's this thing dad says often 'True love isn't easy, but it must be fought for. 'Cause once you find it, it can never be replaced.'"

"Maybe he wasn't your true love. You just need to have hope, that your true love is somewhere out there. Then you can find love and happiness again. I mean Regina always thought, that Daniel was her true love, but she still found love again."

"Yeah. She thought. She didn't know, but I do." Plus the fact that she may have found love again, but it didn't last.

"How do you know? You've never been under a sleeping curse and true love is the rarest magic of all. How could you possibly be so sure?" She doesn't believe me. I guess I have to tell her then even though it's painful.

"When we went to find the ambrosia, there was this door with a scale. On the scale, it said 'Only heart filled with true love can pass.' So I had to weigh my heart to prove that our love is true."

"But that doesn't mean, that you won't have love in your life. You still have your family...your dad, Henry, your brother me...and your baby."

"I don't want the baby. I would only judge it for reminding me of Killian and the future we can never have. The baby deserves better than me as its mother."

"That's not true, Emma. Your heart will heal in time and then you'll love the reminders. You'll be grateful that you have at least something of Killian's."

 

  
...

 

  
I am now standing in front of Killian's grave. There were flowers, which made me kinda mad. While he was still alive, hardly anyone cared for him. Just me and Henry and possibly my parents. Belle. Robin. And now they pretend to be heartbroken? It's not fair.

I lie down his flask on the grave. I'm sure, he'd like this more than roses.

And then I start to speak to him and cry terribly the whole time.

>> I'm sorry it took me so long to come here. But I just couldn't face your grave.

I hope you're in a better place...I know I should be happy about that, but now it feels like you're really gone and I can't handle that. 

I miss you. I wish you were here. I wish I'd get to tell you, that you're going to be a dad. I wish you could meet our little kid. I wish, that we would've gotten our happy ending.

You were right when you said, that I should live my life during the crises, but I didn't listen then. I should've. I've wasted our time together. And now, that you're gone everything is peaceful. I wish I wasn't the Savior. Then I could've spent time with you instead of solving problems.

But I can't change the past, so I should look forward into the future. I promise you, that I won't put my walls back up. Not completely anyway and I also promise to make sure our baby will know who her or his father was. You won't be forgotten.

I love you. Always have and always will. And I know you love me too. <<

 

  
Soon it becomes a regular thing to visit Killian. I tell him all about my life. Every little detail and that gives me comfort. A little.


End file.
